A Song in Her Heart.

God only knows how long I’ve been waiting for someone like you,
and how many prayers I’ve said about you before I met you,
and how many times I’ve thanked Him for you in my life after meeting you.

You always tell me that you are imperfect,
but I think that God made you perfect for me,
for in your weaknesses, His strength is made perfect.

You are my best friend.
You understand how I function,
sometimes you even know what I want to say before I even move my lips.
You love me, no matter how strangely I am wired,
regardless of how far I am from being perfect.

And so, I promise to fiercely love you,
to defend everything that we have,
to have the courage to hold fast onto your hands while walking you through the most trying of times,
and remind you of God’s strength in our lives.

I promise to take good care of you,
make you good food when you are hungry,
give you a massage when you feel tired,
laugh at all your lame jokes,
and sing you a song every now and then.
When you are sick, I will cook you a hot bowl of porridge,
and nurse you till you are all better.
I promise to share your happiness,
and bear your sorrows with you.
And when we argue,
I promise to not be unfair,
I will own up if it’s my fault,
and I promise not to go to bed angry.

And of the dreams that we dream together,
I promise to work together with you to make them all come true.
to create new experiences together,
and form memories that will last us a lifetime.

I promise to raise our kids in the ways of God,
and tell them that they are beautiful because they look like their father.
I will respect and honour you,
and love your parents and your family as if they were mine.

I will ever be yours and yours only,
sticking to you through thick or thin,
through sickness or health,
poverty or wealth;
Till death do us part.

<3

it’s good to be reminded that you are a nobody sometimes.

cuz nobody is perfect,
therefore if i am a nobody,
then i must be perfect.

no. of course not.

but it IS humbling to be reminded that
perhaps people don’t like you as much as you think.
perhaps you aren’t as good as you would like to think.
perhaps a change of attitude entails.
or a change of heart.

thank you, for pegging me down a little.
it’s painful, but refreshing still,
the lesson of humility.

and it has the power of life and death.

yes. vern is blogging about the tongue.
ironically so, because i naturally can be one who is rash with words.

age has taught me well.
either that, or losing loved ones in my life have.
but either way, the lesson wasn’t learnt easy.
and i stand corrected.

one thing i HAVE come to realise though,
is that sometimes, eventhough my intentions are good,
people tend to take it the wrong way.

and i don’t blame them,
because the way i spoke lacked refinement,
and when people are pissed off, people don’t listen.

simple as that.

so whose fault is it, then?

their fault, for “misunderstanding poor ol’ vern, who’s got a kind heart”,
or my fault, for not aligning my words and actions to my intentions?

well, isn’t this the classic case of a two-sided coin.

but okay, so pointing a finger at someone means 4 fingers point back at myself right? 
so let’s do some introspecting here.

this used to be something that frustrated me a lot growing up,
but i have come to learn that it is more my fault than anyone’s.

why bah vern, why dont your words and actions reflect your intentions?
i know you mean well, and you were probably right,
but you don’t need to be a bitch about it, do you? 
didju HAVE to say it that way before your point gets across?
didju HAVE to insist so much that it pissed people off?
what happened to being gentle?

and yes, i know you give off an iron-lady kinda vibe,
kinda like a girl who grew a pair,

but you don’t need to step on everyone’s toes to be strong.

i sometimes wish i could talk to 16-year old me.
or 18-year old me.
to tell her that hey, it’s okay to be gentler with words.
message still gets across, 
and people don’t get pissed off.
and everyone will be happier.

and also to tell her not to be so insecure,
because one day, when she gets older,
she eventually will find out that losing weight is possible,
and that there are guys who will find her attractive.

to tell her that it takes a long time to shrug a hot temper,
so she might as well start early.
and tell her, above all else,
to guard that stupid tongue,
and make sure that her words and actions reflect her intentions. 

but nobody can go back to the past,
and i guess present me can use a reminder anyway.

so vern, the tongue is like a double-edged sword.
don’t draw it from your scabbard unless you need to.  

and you cannot be any more than who you are destined to be.

people sometimes lose their appetite for life.
they plod through life aimlessly,
claiming life is mundane,
yet now knowing that it was they who make their lives mundane.

and there are people with a greed for life.
who want to be everything.
“i want to be a pageant queen, and a rock star,
i want to win in video game tournaments,
produce platinum albums,
i want to win dance competitions,
and be the president of every club i belong to.
i want to know everybody,
and earn my weight in gold.
i want  to be invited to every single star-studded event,
i want to make a profit in everything i invest in,
i want to be rich, famous, flawless, desired by many, 
i want to be spotted on red carpets.”

ha, with an appetite for an elephant,
one hardly remembers to bite and chew.

i’m having a moment where i’m looking at people’s lives,
and wanting them all for my own.

crazy, right? i sometimes think i am too.
maybe i really should get tested.

but seriously. the downfall of a dreamer is that they never learn to dream with their feet on the ground.
but do dreams come true when one dares not to fly?

hahaha philosophers.
the more they talk, the more confusing (confused) they get.

VERN, GET TO THE POINT!

at the end of the day,
no matter how much i feel like i want to live someone else’s life,
there is only one life i can live.
mine.

and what an absolute waste of time to sit around envying other people’s lives,
when you can make magic happen for your life!

vern, get off your bum, and start making your life magical.
stop dreaming about achieving what other people have achieved.
because all you will be, even if you do accomplish that,
is a duplicate. second best.

make your own magic happen, vern.
do you not think that God has other amazing things in store for you too?

stop wishing for someone else’s life.

MAKE YOUR OWN LIFE INCREDIBLE.

but its really because it’s sad. 

so. some people can put on a strong facade.

yeah yeah that’s the most clichéd line ever.
BUT I KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT,
because i do it too.

and just because i’ve been taught to be strong,
appear strong,
act strong,
duznt mean that i am always that way inside out.

i can be vulnerable too.
and i damn well can be hurt as well.
you’d think that when people hurl crap my way,
i can just shake it off and move on.

and at times, yeah sure.
deal with it, shake it off, and move on.
maybe even comeback by flinging something else back.

but hurt is real.
and no matter how strong i appear to be,
i darned well have a heart.
and i can be broken too.

so thank you, for aiming at that tender spot.
it hurt alright.
at least it made me feel slightly more human.

at least. 

and desires drive you to your goal.

God, are these desires from You? 

familiarity is too comfortable. 

this blog post is going to sound thoughtfully bimbotic.
yet oddly so, that IS what i am, sortof.
a thoughtful bimbo.

so today, i bought new shoes!
a nice pair of black flats,
to replace the one i’ve been wearing everywhere.

now if you dont know how my shoe wardrobe works,
let me briefly explain.
i need at least a pair of each “genre”. 

for example, i need a staple pair of black flats.
heeled pumps or other coloured flats won’t do.
black flats are essential.
and i have a pair of black heeled pumps as well,
as well as open-toe heels.
and flip flops.
and a pair of decent sandals. 

okay this is beginning to perhaps get a bit to technical for those who are not shoe-linguists.

BUT ANYWAY. BACKTOMYPOINT!

so i bought a new pair of black flats cuz mine are wearing out.
no. scratch that.
they are WORN OUT. 
with gaps between the sole and shoe,
and slight holes here and there from friction.

and so, my existing pair will become obsolete,
therefore it is time to throw them away and wear the new ones.

for some odd reason, or perhaps it isn’t all that odd at all,
it is extremely hard to bring myself to throw them away.
how emotional does one actually get over a pair of shoes anyway?
but let me organise my thoughts into emotional reasoning, 
if there is such a thing. 

1. these shoes were bought in the UK, a place that i dearly miss till this very day.

2. these were my first pair of actual flats that i felt comfortable wearing and walking in, and they looked nice and fitted great.

3. these are the shoes that i walked in pretty much all through my France vacation, as well as my previous trip to KL, and this one, and pretty much everywhere else i’ve been in UK. 

4. they’re…. familiar. 

is this human?
to form emotional attachments to mere objects?
or are shoes just exceptionally personal items? 

 因为它陪伴了我走了许多的路，所以就舍不得扔掉？

yet if i dont throw them away,
what use are they to me?
a pair of old, smelly, broken shoes that i will never wear again.
carrying memories that can never be relived,
tracing back footsteps on pavements i may never walk upon again. 

BUT THEY ARE SO FAMILIAR!
and i am compelled to keep them because they are.
though i will not, and eventually cannot walk in them anymore.
perhaps i feel like keeping them is keeping that part of my life.
keeping it alive as much as possible.

but i guess its impractical.
it’s just another item that eventually turns into garbage.

i guess people are that way though.
holding on to things that are familiar,
things that gave them beautiful pasts,
but can never show a promising future.

yet we hold on, afraid to be adventurous.
afraid that perhaps those were the best times.
painfully punishing ourselves for things that time brought away.

how do we live when time moves forward, 
but we are looking backwards? 

perhaps its time to walk on.
new shoes need breaking in anyway.
perhaps it’s time to wear them,
and get familiar with these new shoes.

(seriously vern? all that from a pair of new shoes? are you sure you’re not crazy or deluded?)

i have come to terms with myself that honour and respect are two different things.

but between them is a fine line.
so fine that sometimes we believe one to be the other.
but no, it is not.
which is by default, and which is earned?

picture if you may, a scenario.
A honours B, and B honours C.
does that mean that A, by default, has to honour C?

or perhaps
A respects B, and B respects C.
does that mean that C, by default, is respected by A?

it boggles me so.
like a neverending riddle.
just as i thought i have come to terms with myself,
a different thought is introduced,
and once again, i am wrestling with myself.

everyone deserves to be respected,
yet only some gain honour.

hmm.

and of submission and obedience.
fine, fine lines.
as fine as transparent fishing lines on a concrete floor.

when do we submit?
when do we obey?

does one necessarily mean the other?
does the absence of obedience indicate the lack of submission?
or does the absence of submission manifest in a lack of obedience?

do we obey because we submit,
or submit because we obey?

AIYAH BRAIN, WHY ONLY 3AM BARU YOU LIKE THIS BAH!?

Initially i had no idea how to approach this blog post.
because… i hardly f*ck things up.
and probly, when i do,
it’s… just me.

after much deliberation though,
thought of someone who probly fits the title.
person who i do the most crazy things with.

hai amoi. it is you! =D 

i think my college life wouldn’t be half as fun if she wasn’t there.
together-gether skip class,”
or go out during free period,
stealing the guard’s safety cone..

hahaha those were fun times!
we’re all grown up now, but it wont stop us from having crazy fun!
=) missing you!  

Le Parents.
okay so this is kind of a cheat cuz its not A person, its two people.
but hey. it counts! 

yeah, yeah i know this is like super cliché, 

but it’s true. they HAVE gotten me through the most things in life.
many of my life’s most significant events have involved them,
and nobody else comes quite close to the position they have in my heart.

i grew up hating them, though.
call it middle child syndrome or whatever,
but many a time i felt like the kid that they didn’t love.
cuz i saw that they treated me differently.

little did i know, that the difference in the way they treated me was because they recognised and understood that i am a unique human being, and treating me different birthed out of that.
and well, now that i’m… more grown up,
i’ve grown to love them.
so, so much.  

they’ve gotten me, through my times of growing pains,
my times of crazy tempers,
and they give me my personal space,
enough that i could grow and learn my own lessons. 
through my sicknesses, major surgery,
major accidents,
they were with me through it all.

so yeah. i guess it is so.
they are the people who have gotten me through the most.
no one else comes close.

not yet, at least.